Christmas Vignettes

William stared into the sky full of stars. Twinkling stars, some of them shining extra bright, some not so much. Some probably blinked at him, as if reassuring him that they’re here. Right beside him. That they are watching his deep, lonely eyes too. Cold air flushed through his windows and sent shivers through his body, but he felt like he should sit a little bit more, just a little while more, and seep in whatever the night sky had in store for him. He thought of the earth, about himself, how insignificant, how little is he in the grand scheme of the cosmic arena. But the little deeds that he does, how significant are the joys that keep lingering on the faces of the sweet kids from the homeless shelters. Every single year, dressed as the benevolent Santa Claus, this is his small gesture to society. And he expects nothing in return, whatever gifts he buys are entirely from his savings. And he has kept his identity a secret, all throughout. Until today. Somehow, someone or more than one came to know about this secret. When he returned back from the shelter, late in the night, he found a lot of gifts in front of his house. Wrapped in various shiny packets, he won’t lie, he really felt like a child again. Unwrapping them, and in all of them were cheques, addressed to him, tokens of appreciation, and kind notes which said that the sender wanted to contribute in his noble deed and that they knew from many years who the real Santa is, but never, ever divulged the details. Now that they’re able to help him, they thought to share this token with him. They hoped he wouldn’t mind. Well, how could he? Tears welled up his eyes. These kind beings in this vast and infinitesimal universe are what keep life moving. William kept staring into the sky full of stars.



Monoreena stared into a sea of audiences, nervous. She was very, very scared. Not always do you get a chance to sing? That too by being a part of the Christmas carol group of the school. It is indeed a big, big honour. What’s more is her, being selected as a member of the carol group. All that credit goes to her teacher. Ever since she joined this new school, she has been subject to strange stares, and mockery. It was her teacher who helped her and made the whole group of students know and understand about Down’s Syndrome. She has a lot of friends now. They’re helpful and kind and spend time with her. She wishes to never stay away from them all. But, today she feels a tinge of nervousness seeping down her soul. She looked at all the other students in the Christmas carol group. They’re all normal, unlike her, who’s a bit different. That thought hit her all of a sudden. She wanted to hide instantly, away from the normal people. She felt her fingers trembling, her eyes getting clouded by blobs of teardrops, she felt she would collapse anytime soon. Her heartbeats started going faster and faster. There was just a minute left before the carol would start. She almost turned back to run into any space, but away from the present. From this moment. But, as she turned back, it was her new friend, Paroma, who looked at her with a wide smile. That smile was such a reassuring one, it instantly calmed her down. Paroma rubbed off those little bits of tear off her face. As if she knew why she turned back. As if she peeked right into her heart. But how? Then again, that’s what friendships are, probably. Unspoken bonds. As the carol was about to begin, Monoreena stared into a sea of audiences, smiling.

It’s Christmas eve, a sad one? And every single family in the vicinity is celebrating with family and friends and of course, a Christmas tree. Decorated from top to bottom with colourful papers, and beautiful lights, socks, and whatnot. Well, except for this little tree who was waiting earnestly at the shop of a tree seller. Every single piece was sold, except this. The seller seemed very satisfied with the proceedings and was on the verge of closing down the shop. Then, probably he thought to wait a bit more. He went to the nearby coffee shop, grabbed a cup, and enjoyed his time. He too had a family to attend to, probably with a decorated tree. The streets are decorated, people walking down the streets, but not a buyer for the little Christmas tree. It stayed in one corner of the dimly lit shop, unnoticed. It kept looking through the window into the moonlit night, wishing, hoping that someone from somewhere would come by and take him to their home. But, alas. The owner soon finished his cup and looked around. The tree prayed with all his might. Please, please. But well. Destiny seemed to not favour his prayers.

Shalini was on her father’s shoulder, fascinated by the Christmas market and the decorations. Her eyes danced with joy to every single frame it could capture. She had recently known about Santa Claus and Elfs and the Christmas tree. And she wanted a tree. They have visited many shops but none of them matched her fancy. She wanted a small tree that she could decorate herself. So the ongoing search continued and continued when her eyes fell on this little tree perched on the corner of a dimly lit shop. She jumped with joy, got down from her father’s shoulder, and touched the tree. She loved it. The sad tree jumped with joy, he was happy too. He knew for sure, he wouldn’t be alone and would be loved by a child, decorated and everything. It’s Christmas eve, a happy one.

Love and Dementia

Photo by Noelle Otto on Pexels.com

He:

Who’s she? Why is she approaching me? Is she looking at me, a smile laced on her crumpled skin? What is there in her hand? Is that a piece of a photograph? If so, what photograph might it be? Do I even know her? Why does her silver hair look so familiar? Why does the dancing waves of golden light illuminate her blue eyes want me to smile back at her? Why does this room seem to be enjoying, enjoying her footsteps, as it kept reverberating throughout, through every nook and cranny? Why is she opening her little purse, brown in color, and bringing out something? That something, is it a pair of black spectacles? Why am I not seeing her beautiful eyes now? Is it because her spectacle glasses are blocking my view completely? Should I speak to her directly and ask her why she is here? In my room? Since I do not know her? Or do I? Is my brain playing all kinds of tricks here? Why is it making me believe that I perceive this fragrance coming from her?

She:

Shall I show him the photograph? Will it trigger his jumbled up mind? After all these days, bringing him pictures of items, shall today’s one actually work? What if it doesn’t? If they didn’t manage to evoke his memory, those items, gifts, that we gifted each other, would this work? But, this picture is unique, isn’t it? So were the others, but they failed, didn’t they? Or did they manage to tingle his grey cells, one by one? And today, finally, would he add it all up and recognize me? Recognize me, his wife? His eyes seem dreamy, or is it my failing eyesight? His snow-white hair looks so good today, or am I too hopeful? Did he just inhale the fragrance of his favorite perfume that I am wearing, like tantalizingly smelling jasmine? And did I see his eyes flicker in the thin beams of sun rays that are able to penetrate in the room, through those infinitesimally small channels? Did he remember it all? Did his brain finally recognize me? Did he yet leap ahead of his dementia? I think I should hand the photograph over to him, or shall I not?

He:

Do I take that piece of the photograph from her? What if I don’t? What if I stay seated on my bed? What if I call someone and tell them to take this person away, away from me? I don’t know her, do I? But that smell, why does it seem so familiar? What does this photograph contain? Is this a ring? And does this ring, ring a bell on my head? So old, ain’t it, the picture? But clearly, those two fingers, perched beside each other, what do they signify? And whose fingers are those? And why are my heartbeats suddenly increasing their vibrations? Why do these images keep coming to my head now? Her smile now, why does it feel so similar? Why does it feel like someone of my own, someone I know dearer than anyone else? Why do I feel like crying, overwhelmed by emotions, so many? Why does my hand, now trembling, slowly make its way to hers? My wife, is she not?

She:

Dear husband, your eyes, they know now, right? Or am I still dangling in a space-time conundrum of reality and hopefulness? If not, why did you extend your hands to me? Why, why does it seem that your eyes are welling up with tears? Why are you being cocooned by a multitude of emotions?
Why do I feel my heart so relaxed after such a long time? Why do I think to go and hug you? But, why does this dollop of fear still asking me not to? Why do I feel at peace with myself as I touch your fingers, caressing them? And why do I think that whatever happens, let me hug you when I see that smile, that reassuring smile, on your face, after such a long time, after such a long time?

**

The soft, golden hue of the sun rays, penetrating through the minuscule openings in the room, falls on two figures, holding hands, enjoying each other’s company, lost in the moment.

***

I’ll meet you there!

Picture by Alexandre Debieve from Unsplash

He stood there, his eyes circumnavigating the entire hall, as the audience clapped. The lights slowly sharpened, the audience gradually visible. The claps echoed, bringing in a strange humming to his ears. His eyes searched for another pair of eyes. Eyes that had long been lost, eyes that he hoped to see today, sights that would give his play, meaning, eyes, who’s the inspiration behind all this.
It’s so silly of him to search for her in the crowd of over a hundred people. Hundred people! That is actually a fantastic response. The capacity of the hall stood near to one hundred twenty. Those extra seats were for some critiques from the eminent art societies of the city. He hoped they liked the play.
The play in itself is the same old story of a boy and girl who fall in love, but like most stories, that doesn’t end up in happily ever after. But what he’s tried to bring in into that is inspired by his own life, his emotions, real and raw, and the eternal quest for love, that never-ending search for true love, of Rumi’s philosophy, of what we seek is seeking us!
He found solace in Rumi’s quotes. Like he says that your task is not to seek for love but to find the barriers that you have built within yourself that you have built against it.
And it is because of Rumi, he had met her. The mutual love for the philosopher gave birth to their own love story, which grew stronger and stronger and probably became too strong, going beyond the control and finally shattered.
Shattered the heart, yes. Wounded, too. And the wound is the place where the light enters you. He grieved for a while, but his love for directing plays continued. Anything that you lose comes back in another form, Rumi says.
As the audience dispersed, he stood by the corner. He was happy with the play. He looked towards the set he had built on the stage. That would now break down. All the world’s a stage, we are just some players, having our own entries and exits. He smiled to himself.
Probably she did not come. But he had this tinge of a belief that despite anything that had happened, she would come. This was the first time his play has been made public with a broader audience.
His thoughts played along, his heart trying to make himself believe that yes, she had come; definitely, it’s only his eyes that are not able to see her.
Soon the hall, which was humming with claps a while back, turned into an eerily silent room, with only a handful of people closing down the premise.
He heard a knock.Faint.And then a little louder. On the wooden window frame to his opposite. The sepia lights spread a strange hue throughout the place, and he didn’t quite understand what it was. He went closer and stopped at a distance, bewildered!

She saw him. Standing on the stage. Seeping in all the applause. But his eyes. Seeking for something.Someone.Somewhere.Was it her his eyes were seeking? Did her eyes seek him back?
Should she go and tell him how beautiful and heart-wrenching the play was. She knew the draft version, which was in the making a few years back, when they were together, but never imagined that to develop into something this! She felt really proud of him.
She knew he was sure she would come. What if he saw her?After all these years? What will she say? What will he say? What if the barriers break and her tears do all the talking? That cannot happen. Things that are buried, times that are long gone, should stay as is.
He was her gentle ruin. And Rumi says, where there’s a ruin, there’s a chance of finding a treasure. And she doesn’t want a treasure, not now. She doesn’t want him to shift his focus when he’s doing so good!
What if he does better if he shifts his focus? What if he did this play only for her to see. To come back. To meet him. But lovers don’t meet somewhere, they are in each other all along. Through life and beyond.
She quietly managed to go out of the hall. Through the glassy wooden window, she saw him, standing in the corner, his eyes, still searching. The sepia lights swayed, his face momentarily entering the darkness and back into the light.
She stood still for a couple of minutes. Her eyes kept seeing him. Seeping in the momentary happiness it gave. Knock, and he’ll open the door. Vanish, and he’ll make you shine like the sun. Fall, and he’ll raise you to heaven. Become nothing, and he’ll turn you into everything.
She went closer to the window.

There was a moment. When things go slow-motion, when the eyes longing to see each other, meet after a long, long time, realizing the very next second, that this meeting is momentary, this meeting will pass on as fast as it arrived. But that precious transient moment, is all the soul required, sometimes. That fleeting moment, probably, keeps you goings, a reassuring kind of a feeling.

No words spoken.No formalities uttered. A window. Sepia lights swaying. Two faces, perched on either side of it. Two pairs of eyes, two pairs of lips, smiling, that smile, that reassuring smile, you know, the one that keeps you moving!

The long lost eyes, seemed to speak what the lips wanted, before dispersing, leaving him engulfed with memories, and leaving her remembering the final letter they had written to each other before their paths separated,
“Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there’s a field. I will meet you there.”

Naina’s Zubaan

As the local train meandered its way out of the platform,slowly, like a snail, Zubaan’s eyes caught hold of something.There was a train running parallel to his,with the same speed,in the same direction,and inside it, was she. Was it really her? Or is it just a mirage? The one that you see in a desert? But why would he see a mirage,all of a sudden,out of nowhere!They are not in contact for a long,long time. Drastic changes have taken place in their life,now.Their faces have changed a great deal,their life, their ambitions,their priorities,everything has taken a turn,towards shaping a better future, perhaps?

Zubaan looked on,as the trains, as if in a slow motion,kept gliding on the tracks,besides one another,making a lubb dubb sound,and she,sitting in the window seat of the other train,remained engrossed in her own world,her eyes perched on the railway tracks,and her mind seemed to be residing somewhere else.Zubaan stood by the train door,one hand clutching the overhead handle, whilst the other trying to wash off the rain drops as they lashed onto his eyes,his face,his hair.

The other train,slowly gained some speed,and gradually started to separate out in a different direction,but still Zubaan could see her,her face,although fading out in the distance,still visible because of the neon tinted bulbs of the train, which threw some light onto her. It has to be her!There is no doubt about it.Zubaan’s view,suddenly got blocked as a third train cut through the track in between them, and after it left,the other train was no more.Zubaan sighed.

Zubaan looked at his wrist watch as the train, like yesterday meandered its way out of the platform.Same time, same compartment,same train, everything’s perfect. He looked outside and there was the second train too.But where is she? He was momentarily taken aback,was it that she was on this train only for yesterday,and he would never ever get to see her again? But why does he want to see her again anyways?Would it be a prudent enough thing to do? But what harm would it do anyways. And how would he talk?No, No, It is better to avoid her, he told his heart. Things would go complicated.Life has already gotten too complex and he didnot want her to know about everything. But he also felt a pang inside him.Of what, he didnot know.

There was she! Sitting near the window,her hair neatly tied in a bun, her eyes,smeared with a dark layer of Kohl. Her eyes looked eternally beautiful.Those were the eyes he fell in love with, in the first place.Driving the feelings aside, Zubaan understood, that she travels in this train,once per week. That is why she was missing. His heart seemed to skip a bit, as she just looked at his side, as both the trains slowed down near a signal. Did she recognise him? Did she just smile, seeing him? He tried to smile,and his trembling hands tried to half-wave at her as her eyes remained perched on him. They looked at each other for a few more seconds,time seemed to slow down as they show in the movies and Zubaan felt his heart would burst out very soon, but thankfully that third train managed to chug in between, breaking their connection,and soon her train gathered some speed, thereby vanishing into a different direction. Zubaan knew for sure that she saw him,and if she had seen him,she recognised him, but failed to understand why her face stayed still,unreactive,devoid of feelings. Was she shocked, seeing him, all of a sudden? That seemed to be the logical reason behind her reaction.

Zubaan stood infront of the compartment. His mind and his heart had a huge fight the entire week and he decided finally to go and meet her. Just to meet her, and smile at her. That is the only thing he could do. He had a letter with him which he wanted to give her, which had everything he wanted to tell her.How sorry he was, for leaving her, when she needed him the most. The last time they talked, years back,she forgave him, but there was so much he wanted to tell her,about why he did, what he did. But Could not. And see the fate.Seeing her again has awoken that feeling of a proper closure inside him. He wanted a closure, a form of justification from his side. That is All.

He was lost in his thoughts as the train hooted, signalling it wants to leave. He ran towards the platform and towards the compartment,she should be in. He had meticulously calculated the compartment where she was sitting and the train details, and jumped into it, as it left the station. It was jampacked with people and he was still unable to see her through the cacophony surrounding him.He stayed near the door and momentarily tried to look up and figure out the window seat occupants. His hands were cold, his heart beating faster and faster with every passing moment. He knew it was difficult for him to scan through the entire compartment, but he kept trying.

He knew she had to be there. He looked towards the other exit door from his, as a junction station had arrived.And there was She! She was getting down. He didnot waste any time and jumped out of the train and went infront of her. She had not aged a bit. She had transformed into a graceful woman.

His momentary smile vanished he saw her, up close. His eyes went instantly moist. She had a walking stick with her,with which she was measuring her steps.She came and almost hit him, as he was standing in her way, and then apologetically muttered a sorry as he held her arms, preventing her to fall down.

Their fingers intertwined together, she was too afraid to fall down. His eyes were moist,his hands almost trembling,a ball of guilt seemed to accumulate in his throat. Her hands caressed his arms, his significantly large scar on his arms and she looked at him, in disbelief.

“Zubaan? Is that you? Is this really you, standing in front of me?” she seemed too rattled with this sudden incident.

Zubaan started to cry, silently.Only If he could reply. A recent stroke had taken away his ability to speak.

He wanted to reply with all his might, and say, “Yes it is me.It is me,Naina! Your Zubaan,standing infront of you. Wanting to talk to you.After all this while.”

But,the only thing he managed was a silent cry.

Her eyes were moist for a few seconds, but then she bought herself together.

“I am sorry,I think I made a mistake. Thank you for helping me out!” she muttered, wiping some of her tears.

He wanted to pull her close,and somehow tell her that it was him.To tell her everything’s okay. She doesnot need to be afraid.But how could he? His head was burning, he had never felt so helpless. He looked around,for someone, to whom he could explain. But how?

“Naina Madam,what are you doing here? We were waiting for you!”

A boy had come to pick his teacher, perhaps? Zubaan smiled at him, as he took his Naina madam away. He looked on towards them as they slowly moved away from him,and eventually his vision got blurred as a fresh batch of downpour started.

His head was still heavy with thoughts. So many of them. But one thing that he felt happy about, was atleast he got to meet Naina, and probably she had recognized him,if only for a fleeting moment. Things would have been different if he could speak about it, but, well, he did hand the letter over to the small boy. Who Knows! He looked out of the almost empty train,the sound of the downpour juxtaposed with the sound of the train and the sound of crickets and frogs, thereby creating a cacophonic symphony, which strangely calmed him down as his tired brain went into a deep slumber!

Fathers And Daughters

14th August, 1920 :

“Son, are you sure of this?”
“Yes Dad, I am more than sure.”
“Hmm, I see. This decision would send repercussions all over the society, to all whosoever knows us and you have to handle it all, together. One one hand I see this decision to be so, so brave and I feel so proud to be your father, but on the other hand I fear, how the whole circle of our family and relatives are going to react to this. You have to be very meticulous to plan this out”
“Dad,Please do not worry. I have planned this through. And you know what you have to do. Just follow me and I will handle everything.”
“I will, Son. I will. I can do any bit for my grand-daughter”
“Thank you, Dad. You are my support now.”
“Yes,I know. You are already half-broken without Binodini by your side.”
Both of them had to rub their respective eyes as a tinge of tear blinded their vision, momentarily.

25th January, 2000 :

“Big Brother, you are sure of this, right?”
“Yes, I am. I want to do it, irrespective of whatever happens.”
“You know there are relatives, friends, neighbours and society who would laugh at us. Are you not afraid, a bit?”
There a moment of silence,only a faint sound of someone singing a raga with a harmonium could be heard in the distance.
“No, I am not. Her happiness is my primary concern. You know she always wanted this.Then let us do this. You are with me and that is my strength. With no Charulata by my side, I would have not gotten so much strength, if not because of you, dear brother.”

1st June, 2017 :

“You won’t eat?”
“Yes Mom, I will. Give me some time.”
“Still thinking about what to do?”
“Yes, Mom. The shock was too much at the first glance, but now the restlessness has gone away.”
“And what did you decide, then?”
“What would have Mrignoyonee decided,Maa, if she was here, i wonder?”
“She was the most forward thinking woman I have ever seen.”
“I know,I know. I have made my decision, Maa. Whatever happens, I will stick by your grand-daughter’s side.”
“Go and talk to her tomorrow.”
“Yes, I Will.”

15th August, 1920 :

Today is my daughter’s marriage. Actually,It was supposed to be. But she ran away just before the marriage ceremony was about to begin. Here I am, crying my heart out, as the whole house, which was beeming with decorations, has now turned into a chaotic market. Everyone running around, not knowing what to do, and some of them, busy at consoling me. Behind my cry,I was tensed from the inside, tensed to know, whether Dad has successfully been able to take my daughter away to Poona on the morning train,away from this chaos, of which she understood, nothing. Which father would like to give away his daughter, but there was no other way. I had no option other than sending her away, so that she could get proper education and grow up to be an independent woman, and not get married off at the tender age of 16. With no one by my side,and the society as a whole supporting child marriages, I was forced to take this decision of marrying her off. But then,my conscience did not agree. Myself being brought up as an independent person, how can I just let my only daughter,who has shown excellent glimpses of knowledge,just go away from me, forever! All i saw in her eyes ever since the marriage was fixed, was fright and agony and helplessness and an anger about why her father cannot stop all these, why is he bulging under pressure to say Yes to all of these. I knew then that I had to do something. And the only way out was to run away.I hope I have made the right choice. I hope i can manage things off here, and see my daughter very soon.

26th January,2000 :

Today is my daughter’s marriage. I am on my way to the occasion. You may all question me, who is the groom? Where does he work? How much does he earn? Is this an arranged marriage or a love marriage? What If I tell you, there is no groom? Will you be shocked and bewildered, like the entire set of people I went to invite for the wedding? What If I tell you, whatever I am doing, is for the happiness of my only daughter. What seems to you as a foolery, what if it is extremely sensitive for me and my daughter who has always been fascinated to be able to dance at her own wedding? And what if I say,she was rejected by a lot of people in her entire life only because she is a special child? What If, I tell you,as a father, how much it pains me to see her, crying and felling sad about herself, looking into the mirror, every single day and wishing, she could take birth again, as a normal child whom society won’t judge? What If I tell you, as a father, I am just trying to make her happy with this marriage, which, to all of you, isnt a marriage, but to us, it is special? Similar to how special she is?

15th June, 2017 :

Today is my daughter’s marriage. I know this is all very quick, I barely got two weeks to arrange for everything and get this going.When i first heard about it, like any other parent, I was taken aback, and got scared. I was not accustomed to this and it took some time to digest it all and come in terms with it. I realised this pretty late in life, that day, that love has no boundaries. If there is love for someone, just let it flow, just let them figure it out, and do not try to block the flow. Just stand by them, support them and trust me, all the things will fall into place.As Mom had said,do what your heart wants, dont listen to anyone or dont let any external forces change your decision. Go and tell the others about the occasion, but if no one comes, do not bother. You are I, would be there to bless them anyways. So, here I am, all decked up for the wedding. Getting out of the car, I see quite a lot of people, which was surprisingly amazing. I feel so, so happy. Just then, I see a wedding reception card lying below the car seat. I pick it up, and see through it,lovingly. It was beautifully designed with a gorgeous heart printed on the centre, and inside that heart it was written, “Niharika weds Tanushree”. I caress it with my hands, smiling and then, slowly move into the building.

The Window Seat

The local train took a sudden jumpstart sending all the passengers in a frenzy, some of them cursing the driver using some expletives that made some other passengers laugh in unison.

Third last day:-

In all these confusion,he saw her. And realised why did he not see her earlier. He knew her alright, and they travel in the same train for a year alright, they manage to sit infront of each other alright,and he liked her, and she was going to get transferred in 3 days,and there it will all end. Why did his eyes and mind kept concentrating on the newspaper he was carrying, and not on her, sitting right in front of him. If not for the sudden jumpstart, their eyes would not have met and they wouldn’t have smiled.Why he ignored her, he didn’t know. Why she didn’t say anything despite knowing he was there,sitting, like every other day and reading newspaper,he didn’t know. She was sitting with her earphones on, probably on a call or listening to music, he explained to himself.But then their eyes met for a second or two or five, when the incident happened. And those were some eyes! Kohl smeared and fish shaped and large and full of expressions.The saying that Eyes speak a thousand words went true for him, that day. She gave him her typical smile, waved,took off her earphones for a second,saying she would catch up later and got down at her stop,which came in next.And those five seconds kept repeating itself in loops and loops and loops throughout the day.

And why he didn’t reply back to her message saying that his behaviours have gotten really strange, he didn’t know.

We all live in hope. Hoping that we follow the passion we want to,talk to someone we want to and be with that person,or hoping that special someone understands us.But sometimes,even if, the superpowers, if there is any, manages to put us in that zone from where it is ours to hit a home run, we simply mess up!It is not always our fault, but that is how it is.

Second Last Day:-

He Could see her sitting near the train window. He stayed very well hidden behind a sea of people, but his eyes could see her face. Only her face. Through the small opening created between the numerous peoples standing in the train. She frantically searched for a known face and dialled a number. He ignored his phone’s vibration. She kept looking on, her right hand holding her usual coffee while the left one, adjusting some strands of hair to the back of her right ear, that had fallen on her forehead and over her eyes. It was ethereal, she looked ethereal. He knew he had a day left before she goes away, and here is his chance. To get down with her at her train station and ask her out. They have been friends for so long,and here’s the time, so why not! There is nothing to lose here, actually. But what if she reacts,and ends up giving him that fearful look that sends shivers down his spine,and maybe,probably goes on to break his bones.But what if she smiles her genuine smile,which is rare,and looks at him through her kohl smeared eyes. What if! He suddenly found some confidence and pushed some people out of the way, to reach to her, to find she already left. He cursed himself badly. He had this last day with him,though.

Last Day:-

He smiled at her as they sat infront of each other, in the train,with the windows open to them to see the world. He had managed to mumble something about if they could meet for lunch to which she replied by saying she would see since her family is here. And anyways she would be back during holidays,since her home town is nearby. His mind was now jumbled up, completely,not knowing,what to say and how. He cleared his voice and looked her straight into the eyes. He thought he would directly say it to her,but then before he could speak up,the train suddenly came to a halt and an uncle almost tripped over him. And by the time the confusion subsided,her stop was there and she went off, without saying anything. The last day, and she just left. He called her the very next second but she messaged saying she would call back.
Today he cursed himself real bad! He even kicked a brick and ended up hurting his legs, but he knew he had a year and the last three days to say it out. The Cosmos had conspired them to be on the train and eventually the superpowers made way for him to speak it out, to which he faltered badly and messed it all. Maybe she knew all along and just wanted him to say it out. But if she knew it all, and she felt the same, then why could she not say it. If she knew it all, and felt it, was there a need for him to say it out loud. Humans are strange creatures. Some fear to speak out,too engrossed in themselves. And what they fear to speak out about, is love.If you have something in your heart for somebody, just say it.
He laughed at himself.He was frustrated but there was nothing he could do. Except for,going to her office,now. And keep calling her unless she picks up. Wait infront of her office until she comes out and then tell her. Are all these madness worth it. Yes, was the answer that came to him.
He got off the train,ran towards the bus stop while dialling her number!

Random Ramblings Of the Mind

Somewhere near Madrid

She looked at people that criss-crossed her throughout the streets. Sea of people. Random people. Who are probably crossing her for the first and the last time. For a split second, you see their faces,never ever to meet again. And if you meet, would you remember you have met before? Our mind is capable of so many things, but it cannot store the faces of persons that we see everyday. Can it?
Today she felt a bit different. The people she saw, she tried to dig deep into their faces. She tried to feel them as more than just a random person walking by.She tried to feel about their life. Where are they headed to? What must have happened? What is their purpose of coming to this city? How deep they must have fallen in love, or how many heartbreaks they have endured? A wind blew across her face,she was shocked for a second and she could smell the wind laden with the smell of impending rain!

Somewhere near Budapest

He thought woke up with a sudden shock. He felt his brain cells getting energized. He suddenly felt rejuvenated.He felt he could do anything at that point of time. His heartbeats increased. He didn’t feel the same since a long long time.It seemed he was hibernating for a long long time, and suddenly this particular song,and this book he was reading,as if gave him a shock treatment and here he was,up from his slumber.He needed it.
You live in this delicate cocoon of life,and you believe you are living. You work,take care of your families,take a bus,eat and sleep. You feel restless.You feel you are doing good until suddenly you read this book and feel that,no,you were not living but hibernating, and you thank this book for saving you from the endless loop of hibernation,boredom,monotonous-ness.
A wind blew across his face,he was shocked for a second and could smell the wind laden with the smell of impending rain!

Somewhere near Kolkata

Her eyes measured the darkness in the room. The room was devoid of a presence, a presence which had illuminated the room and her life. Now, what remained, was the crumbled shirt on the corner,a strange smell emanating from it.
Love arrives when it should and leaves exactly when it must. Sometimes it stays forever. Sometimes, probably, love can’t stay. Sometimes, probably, it shouldn’t.
Maybe the next love would be asleep, somewhere,in some corner, in this world. Maybe love will arrive, again, after twenty years. Or maybe love would arrive for a split second, today,and stay for a week.Maybe you are not ready for the next jump at love, and love is not ready for a jump at you.Maybe love is there in every child that smiles at you, in every dog that you play with, in every old age home you visit,in that food that you eat.
You always need someone to get over someone.An empty jar must be filled with water. And empty heart,with a distraction,a replacement.Emptiness is tough guy to deal with. To save yourself from the ever increasing pain, you need to run,keep running to fill the emptiness with a distraction,to fill the hollow with attachments after attachments,and if it overflows,jump back to more distractions.
A wind blew across her face,she was shocked for a second and could smell the wind laden with the smell of impending rain!

Somewhere near Cherrapunji

Rains. Finally the Rains.The Rains make you feel less alone.Imagine sitting all alone,in your room and the sudden downpour makes you feel like, yes, there is a presence engulfing me, my thoughts,my perfections, my imperfections.
You feel about the cloud,that shatters and falls on you in the form of rain.It feels good because you know for sure that things in nature shatters too! Then,the best thing that you can do is open the windows and soak in the rain. Feel the rain caressed winds onto your face.Dance.Sing.Be a bit insane for a few moments.Break the shackles that bind you in your daily routine.Act like a young happy and excited kid without thinking of anybody or the deadlines or the stress. Cause that is what you would remember.Cause these moments are the one to saviour now.Cause these moments are precious.These insane moments are the one to live by!

If you’re with me……

All the Neon tinted bulbs in the quaint coffee shop, were sending a handful of slightly tilted sepia toned light on the people engrossed in conversations. The bulbs, sometimes,swayed a little,probably because of a momentary wind,which disrupted their focal points, resulting in the sepia light waves playing a criss cross game with one another.

Outside, it rained. Like never before. When someone entered, with that person, in came, a gush of cold wind, laced with a few wet drops of the rain. The shop was almost full and one can hear the sound of crockeries clinking against one another,the voices intermingling,thoughts being vomitted out,hearts being emptied.

Nirjhar could only hear the rain. Through the walls,through the conversations, through the clinking crockeries. He could hear the rain drops falling into the leaves of the trees, imagining a solid rain drop touching the surface of a leaf and then breaking apart into numerous drops of uncountable,smaller raindrops.Some raindrops falling into tin roofs, somehwere closeby, whereas, some, falling into the road,forming a puddle.Individually, their sounds may seem insignificant, but, together, they created a dream-like atmosphere,a cacophony of dissimilarities,but, which again seemed so much in sync. What an oxymoron!

The door opened, and, in came,a girl. The Girl! Nirjhar rose from his wooden chair,his hands,not knowing whether to go ahead and shake her hand, greet her,wave at her, offer her a seat or hug her.
They just stood there, perplexed and shaking, a bit. Niranjana’s face radiated a sheepish smile,only for a moment, before she broke into a formal smile and sat infront of him.

Nirjhar’s ears now heard some crickets singing in the dark,them seemed to be so in sync to the raindrops. Their voices seemed happy,satiated by the rain. There was a momentary silence,all seemed quiet,it seemed as if they had forgotten the lyrics to their song.Why did they stop, thought Nirjhar. But, they re-started again, in sometime.Gathering the earlier tempo and the sync.

In came two cups of coffee. They haven’t spoken a word since both of them sat there. Nirjhar, lost in his world and Niranjana’s eyes fixated at Nirjhar’s. He avoided her gaze, his eyes moving helter skelter. But for how long?

She sipped in some coffee. That was a sigh of relief in the disturbing silence that engulfed both of them. He knew, from the beginning, that he had always forced himself on her. Forced her to like him.Against her wishes. Was he what she wished for? Was she what he had wished for? Who can tell him. Who? But, why did she tell him that, it is not what he thinks it to be! It is never about force, and she wanted to know the reason, as to why he secluded himself into a cocoon. Oblivious of the surroundings. Did he really fold into a cocoon? Or is it the real him? Thinking, and listening and analysing things, that remained un-analysed for long.

There was a sudden clinking of the bells. Someone else entered the cafe. His eyes met hers. He thought he saw a tinge of tears spilled across her face, which she tried to control. Her eyes, all muddled with haziness caused because of the tears. Her Kohl smeared eyes, all botched up, mixed with a series of fresh tears. And those Eyes, looked at him, straight. Piercing him, breaking him into pieces. But at the same time, those eyes evoked kindness, love, gathering all his broken pieces and putting them back, together again.

Niranjana’s left hand reached out for a tissue paper, she picked it up and tried to wipe some tear drops from her already hazy eyes. Her eyes could only see Nirjhar. There were other people, in there, but they seemed like some distant dreams, to her. Like some beings who have been erased out of the frame, after being drawn.

There were no songs played, but Niranjana could suddenly hear the opening piano sequence of “Agar Tum Saath Ho” from Tamasha. That was some impromptu jolt! That was some strange co-incidence.

The winds had gathered momentum outside ,and from some minute opening somewhere, they managed to barge in, and the neon lights from the bulbs swayed again, back and forth. She could see his steel,emotionless face for a second and then disappear out of focus the very next second, as the bulbs above kept its pendulum movement intact.

The song started and their eyes met for a split second. Could he feel the song the similar way she did? The lyrics spoke what she wanted to speak to him,the words that were perched on her lips but never could find the space to reverberate out.

As the lyrics moved on(“Pal bhar theher jao,dil ye sambhal jaaye…”) her eyes stayed on him, as if urging him to stay. She wanted to comfort the chaos of his broken heart. She wanted him to feel that,she would be able to deal with all her sorrows, if he is there, if he is there!

She felt she was able to connect to him through this song. The lyrics flowed on (“Behti rehti neher nadiyaan si teri duniya mein”) , beckoning that his forever moving life is where her world lies, and she moulds herself in his habits/ways of life if he is there, if he is there along!

He looked at her , the very moment the male voice kicks in,as if agreeing to the simple fact, as stated in the lyrics.(“mujhe lagta hai ki baatein dil ki, hoti lafzon ki dhokebaazi”), the matters of the heart are just fooling around of the words, and nothing else.Whether you are there, or not there, it does not make any difference, since life would remain joyless and painful as it was before.

She remained dazed throughout the remaining part of the song. Tose starting lines kept reverberating in her mind,playing like an endless loop,over and over again.The song ended with both of their eyes, moist. There was a lightning followed by the thunder and the bulbs went off after fizzing a bit. There was a hush hush silence suddenly amongst the crowd. The cafe suddenly looked eerily dark and cold She looked around for her mobile,s imultaneously wiping out her tears.

The lights came back,in a few moments’ time and the first thing she noticed that he was not there. He left? How? She didnot even hear anything. Why is the movie’s sequence repeating itself in her life? She did not know. All she knew is to go out in search for him.Just as she crossed the entry door of the cafe, she remembered the ending of the movie. She smiled and went after him!

Starry Night

Antariksh’s stare moved towards the sky.Bestowed with millions of shining stars,the sky seemed pretty,as if emitting small shining balls of light,in between the darkness.The darkness, which would have had otherwise engulfed the whole sky into a permanent state of nothingness,into some eerie sense of blankness,as if nothing else exists,ever.He noticed a star,twinkling. What was it, he wondered. Why did it twinkle? His six year old brain could not decipher the reason behind that. He kept staring into the vastness of the sky,as a gentle layer of breeze caressed his face,making the sweatbeads that had formed on his foreheads disappear momentarily.

As the winds started gaining momentum,Alizeh’s hairs started ruffling across her face,as a result of which,blinding her from staring in the sky. She didnot make any effort to caress them back behind her ears,she kept laying down in the grass,waiting for the wind to subside.One part of her brain was lost in a song which entered her thorugh an earphone which was perched to one of her ears,whilst the other part of her brain,listened to the winds,and tried to decipher what it tried to say.

Antariksh’s eyes kept track of that twinkling star. It seemed to glow brighter every passing minute. What is wrong with it? Or Is it his mistake? Is that star really his grandma? As Mom had explained? That Grandma is now a star! Is she trying to contact him by shining brightly? Should he wave at her now. He suddenly got excited, and stood up. The winds had picked up speed,and the sky,all of a sudden started turning black.The stars seemed to vanish,as some layers of black clouds came,layering the skyline with blackness. Antariksh knew he had little time before the shining star would permanently disappear behind the clouds. He ran a bit towards the star,but then realised it is too far. He has to wave from here,hoping Grandma sees his wave.

Alizeh switched off her song and wondered. She wondered about Vaayu. What she needed now was a calm,composed wind in the form of Vaayu,which would neutralise her tension laden wind,Alizeh. But that was not possible. There is no Vaayu,with her,now or ever. When she was young, mom had explained,in the end, all of us turn into stars in the sky. And there is this strikingly bright star today,shedding so much more light than the others. She smiled to herself for thinking it to be Vaayu,waving at her. Some say,When looking at stars, we are actually looking into the past. Many of the stars we see at night have actually died. Who knows.

Antariksh could no longer wait. He stood up and waved,with both of his hands up,in the sky,frantically trying to make the shining star who could be his grandma, understand that it was him,Antariksh,waving at her from down below. Would she know it is him? He,again,fell into a labyrinth of thoughts,as the rain laden clouds covered up the sky completely. The winds had increased further,as thunder claps could be heard in the distance.

Antariksh kept waving until that particular star got covered fully. He now noticed Mom,too,waving at the star, was she waving at the same star as he did? Or was it some other ones? He knew she must be waving to Dad.

They smiled at each other and got up. Antariksh buried his head in his mother’s lap as they rode back home,he did not like the thunder claps. Alizeh kept caressing his head,he knew his mom has his back. He hoped to return back tomorrow,again,to wave back at grandma. He looked up at his Mom, she smiled and kissed his forehead,and he smiled back and landed a kiss on her cheeks.

Adi and Anonto

Anonto sat with his legs wound backwards,both of his hands resting on the thighs,and his head sucked into the deep cavity of his ten fingers. All the memories came flooding back again,like it has been coming for the last seven days.

He kept on thinking about the incident in multiple loops and only wondered if he could just go back in time and mend what he did. Only if he could do so. His tear drops managed to flow through his fingers into the wound,and his bandage soaked in the incoming fluid. His anger had gotten the better of him,as he kept punching into cement walls of his room,until Shinjini came and stopped him! He knew his fault,the grave mistake he had done,and he felt it was some sort of redemption to injure himself.

His eyes,now accumulated with dried up tears,looked utmostly tired,deprived of proper sleep and food for the last seven days. He felt his vision fading a bit,as he kept rubbing his eyes to locate Shinjini. She was there, sitting silently a few chairs away. What must be going on her mind all through these days? She must be thinking what an irresponsible father he is. But again,she is the one, standing besides him, rock-solid,in this hour of need. He needed her, despite the incident being his fault.All of this made his mind to go back and play it all over again from that dreadful day!

He has tried finding justifications for what he did. It was a very bad day at office and when his only son,who suffers from down’s syndrome,came to him,nagging,he slapped him! But he never knew that slap would end up in his son,Adi,being in comatose state for the last seven days! He regrets the incident every single second after that day,but alas,he didn’t know a way to delete it!

He now realised he always had a sense of frustration about this particular disability Adi had. He loves him with all his life,but there’s a certain tingling somewhere in his heart, occurring for the last few months. Shinjini doesn’t know about this! He isn’t sure about where this frustration germinated from. His colleagues having normal children,society who looked at them in a particular way when they went together, somewhere,or it is his inner self which is yet not able to accept the fact about Adi.

Most importantly, what bothered him now,is how Adi would react on seeing him when he wakes up. Will he remember everything or not ! What would happen if he drifts apart from him. Adi is his strength and weakness. He always felt this sense of frustration is temporary and would go away, although,his reaction that day spoke otherwise. He cursed himself again as a fresh round of tears rolled down his eyes.

What if Adi never recovers! What if he stays in this Coma forever. Shinjini would never forgive him. She had accepted the fact what Adi was, since very long and had said to him,that we will raise this kid to be a healthy and good human being,no matter what! And she is the one who has guarded Adi from curious people all these years. If something happens,it would break her completely. Its surprising to see her so calm and composed all these days. He expected her to despise of him,scold him,or just complain to the police,but she did nothing! She kept silent and is waiting for her Adi,for their Adi to return back!

Anonto’s momentary slumber came to a halt when Shinjini’s hands touched his shoulder,her bangles jingling in the process! Adi had woken up! Their Adi jad woken up and in sometime they can take a look from the door and even go inside,if granted permission.

Shinjini came near him,as they waited by the door where Adi was in. She held his hands and whispered,” You need to go in first,Anonto!” He looked at her, bewildered. Her Kohl smeared,tired eyes looked at him and she nodded again. He was apprehensive,scared and felt like a criminal! What would he go and tell Adi, will he even be able to look into his eyes, with all the guilt coagulating inside him! He tried hard to control his tears! The doctors signalled one person can go in, take a look and come back.Adi still needed some time.

Anonto tip toed in. His hands, wet with sweat,his body,on the verge of collapse, his eyes,hazy with impending tears,his heart ,beating faster than ever.

Adi’s eyes were opened,he was looking somewhere else just when he noticed someone in the room. His eyes looked at the figure,not being able to fully understand who it was. Then slowly,as the figure came nearer,he knew! His mind remembered something,a memory of a sound,of someone hitting him,but he let them all go and smiled the most beautiful smile he could come up with. It was his father,his dear father,whom he loved so so much! He tried uttering something to show his happiness,but he felt weak,and also the very next second his dad ran out of the room,he felt he saw tears in his eyes. He kept looking around, searching for his father,and his mother,he felt a small tingling on his forehead,but he ignored it again. His eyes kept searching for his mother and father,but a sense of overwhelming weakness descended upon him as he closed his eyes back to timeless slumber!